I decided in September to really work on myself especially with what you cool people say, "shadow work." I have to remind myself that I am not alone even if it feels lonely (IT IS LONELY, THOUGH, NOT GONNA LIE), I am misunderstood even if a few may understand me, but you just be patient, She. I tell myself this a lot along with "I am always in between the light and the dark." Doing inner work is hard especially when you start having the emotional purge, inner turmoil, "suffering" - it's such a detoxifying stage. On the inside, it's bad but on the outside, I am what you see - regular schmegular Sheena She. No one tells you that you may feel insane. You start asking yourself, "Am I crazy?" There is no way past it but just go through every emotion and feeeeeeel it. Let it all out! The stuff I dislike about going through awakenings is when I try talking to people that have no idea what it feels or any knowledge on it so they give such fake positive answers. So instead, I've learned to pick and choose who I speak to about it. Luckily, I have 2 great people by my side that I can text and be like "Sooooo I saw 444 again." And they instantly know what the fuck I am saying.
Now a disclaimer: if you are depressed and actually feeling crazy, please seek help!!! Mental health is important and especially coming from me, please do seek help. I can't stress that enough.
Working through trauma, mentally & physically is part of the spiritual work. Sometimes I repress shit because I have shit to do, I have to survive. Then one day, I felt all chaotic, unbalanced, and felt foggy. The way I can put it, my third eye hurt. I don't like that feeling! My body told me it's time to go back to your roots, She She. So I've started to tend and be more connected with my magick - I'm first to say sometimes I'm not consistent. I would say, this is my third time going through some sort of awakening. This one is still particularly hard. I just want people to know that there is no time frame, there is no deadline, and it isn't positive. Sometimes you are on a path and then sometimes you lose the path. Your perception will shift and you feel like the alien. Then you turn inward for self discovery - it is a lonely feeling and you will Google things to try to understand what these signs mean when you start listening and seeing them...and not just seeing them because you are constantly on your phone and you're like "OOOOH 11:11 again, bitches!!!" Nah it don't work that way, lol. Humor me, please.
I am here to tell you, what a time if you are going through it especially during the winter and Covid, it's such a test. It's a test of your vulnerability, the Ego, the unlearning and relearning, connecting with yourself from being used and abused. A RE-WIRING. I applaud your efforts. We say to be gentle with ourselves and while that is true it's ok to sprinkle a little roughness. Be ugly, be messy, be "unkind" to yourself. The discomfort is needed. I'm not sure why we always think we need that immediate absence of discomfort. It is needed to get to that light. It's not a race, it's slow and steady like the tortoise. You will feel frustrated and confused but this is because you want that change. You will get there. Embrace the darkness, it is here to serve you.
It can be the most alienating experience! And to know we go through it more than once, shit. Cry with me! But I know it is here to guide me and I know it can be pretty/ugly because it occurs at the moment when I know I need it most. There is a rhyme and reason as to why I am going through this. I started paying attention rather than keep ignoring it and it's part of my soul lessons. Shit there are people who don't even go through the work, don't even know what I'm talking about and just live "normal." It will haunt you after, ghoul.
Disclaimer: I am not here saying one is better than the other because I am not!!!
I'd love to hear your stages of awakenings/healings. Comment below. What gets you through it? What was your emotional detox like? It's only January and I can say I'm tired and hate when people tell me, I'm also resilient. But being resilient isn't often the trait I want. It's ok to be weak. It's ok to fall. I think the ideal of being strong all the time is so misleading. Like it's always so positive, boss bitch that (I HATE THAT TERM, BTW). NO NO NO NO. I can't stress this enough, it's ok if you aren't any of that. When will people realize this? So if you are reading this post, it's ok to be the opposite of it all especially on social media. Like stop playing bb, you are wonderful. I can't stress this enough how social media fucks with how it doesn't let you or give you the chance to formulate and process these strange feelings inside because it is always fed to you. Put that phone down and stop ignoring yourself.
AND ONE MORE TIME FOR THE BACK, IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION AND EXTREME MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SEEK HELP.
Love,
Sheena She
P.S.
THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS EXPERIENCE OF MINE :)
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